Today, I’m going to talk about two things I couldn’t do.
1) I couldn’t post about Christmas or Thanksgiving decor.
Here is why: You see, I’m a perfectionist. I get that from my darling mum. I walked around my house all week taking pictures of Christmas as realized in our midtown apartment. I uploaded them to my compy and started the draft of my Christmas post. It went a little something like this:
So, here we are! I finally got to decorate for Christmas a couple of weeks ago! Our ancient apartment lends itself to vintage Christmas decor, but I like to throw in a little bit of mid-century modern design. I apologize for the poor picture quality…I’m still working on my photo staging/lighting skills. I would ask by hubby to help me edit them, but he’s busy bringing home the bucks doing freelance design work. Not asking is my way of being submissive-ish.
Then it came time to post the sub-par pictures. I couldn’t do it. You deserve better than that! I fully intend to be un-submissive and inconvenience my husband this weekend (maybe I’ll even ask him for some extra allowance next week). He will help me edit them, and then I will share with you. What’s that? You want to see a sneak peek? Fine.
But that’s all you get! On to the next thing I just couldn’t do…
2) I couldn’t pull off giant glasses because I’m a dork.
I went to the eye doctor earlier this week for some hip, new glasses. Why? Because I’m legally blind and I’m trying to overcompensate for being a total dork. Every time I go to the eye doctor this happens. I get released from the exam room and set free in a room full of glasses that are taunting me. Rather than let the them get to me, I enter a dream world where I’m a totally awesome hipster (is that a real thing?) who can wear and pull off anything she puts on her face. Thusly, I wander around the room grabbing every cool and awesome pair of glasses I can find, caution to the wind. This time, I was juggling about 7 pairs of totally radical glasses before it was all said and done.
I sent some pictures to my darling bestie Emily so she could help me narrow my options down. I sent the pictures to Emily for two reasons: I trust her style sense, and she doesn’t know about my blindness. I did not send the pictures to my husband for two reasons: He knows about my blindness, and he’s a realist.
Some giant glasses for your viewing pleasure:
These were some of the finalists. These were the winners that made it back to the desk for ordering where a dude tried to bring me back to reality. He tried to explain that my prescription is shaped like this:
This means that the bigger the glasses, the thicker my lens gets around the edge. This means that glasses this giant would result in a 1/4 inch thick edge. A normal person would think that they no longer had the option of looking like a super hip alien-bug concerned about retinal health. But that didn’t register at the time. I was still delirious with my imagined ability to be cool. I blame it on the ivory sad-hat I was wearing at the time. It gave me a false sense of hipness that blinded me (no pun intended) to my physical limits. I ordered the glasses anyway.
Now I see that a terrible mistake has been made. The glasses that will double as proclamations of my shortcomings are en route to my home right now…charging like angry villagers with flaming clubs and pitchforks, and I will have no choice but to put them on my face.
If I somehow escape their clutches and deny them their rightful place on my face, get ready for a really really long “I Just Couldn’t” post. And keep an eye out for a weird chick stumbling around in jeggings and a sad-hat screaming, “I CAN! AND I AM COOL AND AWESOME! AFFIRM ME!”
Feel free to leave words of affirmation in the comments. Tell me things like, “Oh, they don’t look that bad.” Or, “I’m sure they won’t be that thick on the edges.” Or “I think being blind is awesome, just don’t wear glasses at all.” Or “I have a great DIY project for making a bag to wear over your head.”
Thank you in advance, and Christmas and Thanksgiving posts will be here soon.